Published July 27, 2005
Ah, the wonders of the Internet. You never know what’s going to turn up – or what others are going to find for you. A young priest studying in Rome (who just may have too much time on his hands) recently passed along the following round-up of bloopers from church bulletins and pulpit announcements. You may be dubious; he assures me that none of these are fakes:
“Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
“The ‘Fasting and Prayer’ Conference includes meals.”
“Our youth basketball team is back in action at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.”
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
“The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”
“Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.”
“Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.”
“Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.”
“Miss Charlene Mason sang, ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”
“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
“Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”
“Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.”
“The Rector will preach his final sermon, after which the choir will sing, ‘Break Forth into Joy.”
“Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.”
“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
“Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
“The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”
“Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”
“Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.”
“The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.”
“Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. – prayer and medication to follow.”
“The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
“This evening at 7 p.m. there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
“Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.”
“The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.”
“Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet next Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.”
“The eight-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.”
“Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the first Presbyterian Church. Please use double door at the side entrance.”
The moral of the story? Please do take home a bulletin when you leave the church. You never know what you might be missing.
George Weigel is Distinguished Senior Fellow of Washington’s Ethics and Public Policy Center, where he holds the William E. Simon Chair in Catholic Studies.
